acceptance

one thing i have learned from this life is that the only way to heal and truly move on from any experience is to accept it.

my life has been far from perfect but i'm not going to sit here now and relive the things from my past that held me down for most of my life. i spent enough time allowing those experiences to consume me and restrict me until another worse experience came along to devour me. then i would live inside that nightmare until the next. the past never left it simply compounded into the current mess. my life grew away from me by exponential leaps and bounds.

i never took responsibility for things that happened to me because most of them, in the beginning, weren't my fault. i just wanted to hide away or pretend it didn't happen or put up a wall so i could say i was strong. what i didn't realize was that i also wasn't taking responsibility for my own life.

acceptance.

the weight of that word is immense to me now. learning the meaning of that word in my life has changed everything. it's simple. it's one word. one thought. one action. acceptance.

i can't tell you the date and time that it happened but i remember the moment. i remember the feeling and the emotion of that moment. i remember writing the word on a sheet of notebook paper. in one brief moment i received clarity. acceptance was the key to me finally letting go of all that has bound me to my past, unlocking the chains, and releasing myself back into my life. MY LIFE. it is MY life.

nothing can change my past. i am who i am today because of it. for that, i am grateful.

ah... gratitude. now that is the next step. and since it's 6:44 am and i haven't slept, it must also be the next blog.

thoughts on nudity

taken from my myspace blog, Sept. 13, 2008

"Today I had a photo shoot with a very reputable local photographer, Bill Hudson. I already got one image back but since it is a nude I cannot share it with you here. The reason for the blog is that I had an experience today that led me to a sort of understanding and an even stronger validity for this photo that I wish I could share with you.

Today I was out in nature as the sun was rising. The surroundings were kissed with dew. There were wolf spiders carrying little babies across our path. Grasshoppers leaped out of the way as we traveled through their homeland. Spiderwebs glistened in the morning light. It was the dawn; the birth of a new day. It was practically a Robert Frost poem.

In the midst of this inspiring scenery, I stood nude. I touched my growing belly as I felt my daughter kicking and rolling around. I wore no makeup. My hair was undone. I bathed in the morning sun, closed my eyes and embraced motherhood, truly for the first time in this pregnancy. I accepted my large stomach and lowering breasts and I felt beautiful and strong.

Only a few hours later, the photographer had already sent me an image and it was phenomenal. It truly showed what I was feeling in those moments. I was so happy with it. When I shared the news with my boyfriend, I did not receive nearly the same reaction.

Herein lies the real reason for this blog. I had already told him I was shooting nude but like many males his age, I guess selective hearing ruled that out. He told me that he thought it was wierd. He didn't think it was wierd before I was pregnant but somehow now being naked is taboo.

It really got me thinking.

Justin was raised in a wholesome Christian family with strong values. To many people like him what I am doing is unacceptable. However, I believe that to be very hypocritical. I am a Christian and I find nothing offensive about what I have done. The photos I took today were in no way sexual in nature. They were not lewd. They were natural and artistic. I have seen photos of clothed people that were by far more inappropriate.

At first I was hurt and a bit perplexed by his reaction but I understood where it stemmed from. That's what lead me to this realization.

We were brought into this world nude. The first humans were nude. They walked the garden of Eden in all it's splendor without even a notion of covering themselves. It is my understanding that it wasn't until after the first sin that they began covering themselves. (I'm not a bible scholar. I could be completely wrong. If I am, feel free to correct me and show me the truth.) So, in a way, clothing is just a way for us to try to cover up our sin. We were meant to be free and naked without lustful thoughts and overt sexuality.

Why should I be made to feel guilty because of those who feel the need to attempt to hide their sins?

I accept that we are all sinful creatures. That is why God sent his son to die for us. I have no reason to hide away from God or anyone because I have sinned. What I did today was not a sin and I truly believe that I will not be judged for it in heaven therefore you cannot judge me here on Earth."

beginning

it's a bit late so after setting this whole thing up my first entry will be short.

things are changing. in no more than 25 days, but probably sooner, i will become a mother. it's really unbelievable considering this was never in my plans. with all this change i needed a new outlet and a new place to express myself in an adult manner with other intelligent, open-minded adults.

so, here i am.